Rock Bottom

I feel disgusting. I feel sad. I feel depressed. I feel alone. For the second night in a row I went to bed in tears. I have no-one to talk to about this. I'm so overweight its not funny. Ive tried the CSIRO diet. I've tried a personal trainer. I've tried a dietitian. I've tried various other diets. Nothing has worked. I'm heavier than I've ever been. 156.4kg. That is huge. To get down to 80kg, I need to lose 76.4kg. Do you know how depressing this is. I am completely unfit. I get puffed and start to sweat after walking 100m. I hate this. I hate what I am right now. There are so many reasons for me to lose weight. I'm worried I'll have a heart attack. I went to Subway at 12:30am this evening. I bought 2 footlong subs and 2 750ml Farmers Union Iced Coffees. I came home and ate and drank it all. All of it. 2 footlong subways and a litre and a half of iced coffee. Last night at about the same time I went to Macdonalds and ate a double chicken burger, add cheese (not just a chicken burger, I even asked for an extra chicken patty, and 2 slices of cheese – oh, and extra mayo...) as well as a Big Mac, a double cheese burger and 6 chicken McNuggets. Why I do it I don't know. I like eating. I love food. It's what gets me through the day, and it gives me something to look forward to. But I always feel disgusting after Ive eaten it. I feel depressed and wish I wasn't so lazy and pathetic. I wish that I do something about it. But I don't. I've just had 4 weeks off work. The plan was to be healthy and try and walk every day. I went for 1 walk on the first day of my holidays. Pathetic. I've made a pact with 2 friends to try and lose 15% of our body weight. The first to reach the goal receives $500 each from each of the others. The 2^nd who reaches the goal receives the same, and same with the third. So if we all reach the goal, we all break even. We have until June 30. this should be motivation. I'm hoping it is.

I'm lonely. I have awesome friends, who I care about greatly, but I'm very lonely. I used to think about my future wife and wonder what she was doing right at that point in time. I'd think about what she might look like, and what she was like. I've come to the realisation that there's a very real possibility that she doesn't exist. This upsets me deeply. There's nothing I want more than to meet a girl and fall in love with her, and her fall in love with me. I want someone I can talk to and cuddle. I want someone to share my life with. I'm scared I'm never going to have that.

A friend is getting married overseas in August. I need to lose weight for that. My father wants to go interstate in May for his 60^th birthday. I need to lose weight for that. I'm embarrassed I'll need to get a seat belt extension on the plane. I want to go to see comedians and other theatre shows, I want to go to the football, the V8's, I want to be able to ride a bus, I want to do all these things without feeling bad for the poor person who has to sit next to me.

I want to lose weight so bad. Starting Monday I'm going to try again. This time I'm going to do it. And I'm going to document it. And I hope you'll share my journey, if anyone actually reads this.

I have to succeed. For my health. For my sanity. For my future wife who I desperately hope exists.